Happy 8th Day of the New Year!
I can celebrate that, right? Of course I can. Because yes, while you all were toasting and boozing and apologizing to your significant others for making googly eyes at half-clad strangers, I rang in this New Year with a shot of Amoxocilin and a case of influenza.
Shut up. I had a great time.
In fact, I woke up with 14 minutes to midnight, which turned out to be just long enough to suffer through another Fergie performance of, "Big Girls Don't Cry." Needless to say, I was too weak to kill myself.
Finally the ball dropped and I, with a chain-smoker's hack, drug myself through a verse of Auld Lang Syne, wished the television a blessed New Year and went back to bed. But, in my feverish half-sleep I drew the inspiration for this blog. (Hold on, I'll get to the point shortly).
“Needless to say, I was too weak to kill myself.”
As I lay in bed taking in the sounds of South Minneapolis, sounds of police sirens and crack whore brawls, I decided, this New Year I'm not going to make useless resolutions for myself. No, I'm going to help others. I'm going to invent well-meaning, but misguided non-profit organizations to help inner city folk. Folk like the ones setting off car alarms outside my apartment building by smashing, what I can only assume are glass bottles, into what I can only assume are Priuses.
Thus, I went to work on a mental list to save the projects. Here's what my deteriorated mind produced:
“Sometimes you just need to be reminded that not everyone despises you and wants you to stop raising their property taxes.”
Shanita's Well Meaning But Horribly Misguided (and Generally Racist) Inner-City Community Building Non-Profit Agencies for 2008:
1. Hug-A-Thug-Everybody (HATE) – Because everyone needs a little love sometimes.
Sometimes you just need to be reminded that not everyone despises you and wants you to move out of their neighborhood and stop endangering the livelihood of their children and businesses, and raising their property taxes.
2. Educated Broke Folk Forever (EBFF) – Together, we can take the "Ho" out of "Homelessness."
Just because you're broke and unsuccessful, doesn't mean you need to turn to the night life. There are lots of unsuccessful people who, because of their expensive educations, feel great about themselves and their inability to make ends meet. This service is a no-hassle trade; a diploma/degree of some sort in exchange for student loan debt. The effects are immediate and so is the satisfaction!
3. Illegal Operations Made Possible (IOMP) – You call it, "organized crime" we call it "business management."
In every gang-banger and drug dealer there's a waiting entrepreneur! With proper skills in asset/liability management, bookkeeping and market projecting there are no limits to where you can end up! Including, but not limited to a maximum-security prison. This is a really just a one-time, 90-minute webinar.
“This is a DEA sting operation posing as a non-profit.”
4. Natural Inventions in Growing Great Agricultural Sh*t (N**GGAS) – Helping you grow only the finest weed under the pretext of medical research since just now.
Start up is easy. We work with what you already have. Transform your low rider into a fully staffed mobile opium den! They say "You can't!" we say "You CAN(nabis)!" Financial freedom is spelled, M-J. This is a DEA sting operation posing as a non-profit.
Two other potential organizations that didn't get properly thought through were Mothers Of Fundamentally Underachieving Kids w/o ADD (MOFUKA) a group that allows you to blame society for your children and (SHIIT) or Sex Has Its Inherent Troubles, a support group for folk who can't find they baby daddies. But, let's be honest, none of this got thought through. I had a 102.0 degree fever.
It is unlikely that Oprah will sponsor me in these ventures, but then again, I'm holding out for Dave Chappelle.
Donations? I should turn off the comments on this one . . .