While I don't typically consider myself to be a reliable source of guidance, over time I tend to collect bits of unrelated information that occasionally, when mingled with boredom, result in a revelation worth sharing. This is not one of those revelations. This is a blog about nothing.
It has recently come to my attention that humans, regardless of intellect, education or upbringing, frequently find themselves loitering (standing and blinking) in locations that would be ideal for such behavior, were they not.
Initially, this post was titled, "A Comprehensive List of Inconvenient Places to Stand and Think," but then I concluded that were these individuals thinking they would have found better places to stand.
That said, I have taken it upon myself to begin putting together a collection of said places for the aimless to avoid. But ridding the world—or at least, your world—of these nuisances is not a task for one person. Therefore, should you come across an offender, or discover a new and equally inconvenient spot for offenders to congregate, please feel free to add it to this list then immediately fasten a copy of the list to the offender's forehead. Use double-side tape or poster putty.
And now on to the list...
1) In between your shopping cart and the opposing wall of cake frosting.
I would go to the right but your cart is there. I would go to the left but there you are. Listen, lady, it's you or Betty Crocker. Choose wisely.
2) Casually, with your back to the ATM machine.
You're obviously here to try and steal my pin so stop pretending like you didn't see the cash machine sitting there. Take fifteen paces to your left and turn yourself in to the proper authorities.
3) At the BOTTOM of an in-service escalator.
The escalator hasn't stalled, why have you? See that line of men, women and children spilling off to the left and right of you as you search your life for purpose? Yeah, they all want your head on a spike.
4) At the TOP of an in-service escalator.
5) In an unoccupied parking space immediately outside the bank entrance.
Wow, I wouldn't have had to park all the way over here by this tree if you hadn't been laughing on your cell phone in the vacant space right next to the bank door. Yeah, this example is strangely specific.
6) Immediately outside of a public restroom.
Did you pee and then forget where you were going? Keep moving, I will hit you with the door.
7) Sitting on top of / standing in front of someone else's washing machine / dryer.
Since you're in a public laundromat, am I wrong to assume that you too are doing laundry? Doesn't that mean you have your own machine to be sitting on or blinking in front of? Go away.
8) With your back to the Light Rail door.
There's only a limited amount of time to enter the car before the automatic doors close and everyone's day gets ruined by of your fat head. Quit it.
Now that I have gotten the proverbial ball rolling, I encourage you to go, identify and violently purge such offenders from the face of the earth. Or if you are the offender, go lie down since this was probably a lot to take in and you may not fully understand what's going on yet.
Lastly, keep in mind that I am, in truth and in fact, a fan of senseless lollygagging. But only when it doesn't come at the expense of others. Or really just me.
Alas, farewell and happy non-intrusive loitering.